Dad

It’s because of my Dad that I’m here in Spain to get treated for my whiplash and concussion. As an eye surgeon he recognized my symptoms, mainly the eye coordination issues, and knew the clinic here in Moraira that is specialized in whiplash treatment.

When he first started talking about what he could do for me I was very skeptical – why could I not do the same in Canada, why did no one in Canada recognize my symptoms, do the tests that he suggested, do this kind of physiotherapy? I also didn’t expect my employer to allow me to get treated overseas. And how much was this all going to cost? Will I ever get any of this back from insurance?

After 7 months of limbo in Canada with little improvement and no hope left to find anything other than – go sit at home, be patient, do nothing - my employer agreed that I should give this treatment in Spain a go. Within days here I was seen by doctors, had tests done, had appointments for x-rays, MRIs, and we started the treatment. It was like being in medical heaven after many months of not being taken seriously by doctors back home.

The idea was for me to stay with my Dad and his girlfriend in their spare room. My Dad would drive me to the clinic and hospital as I can’t drive yet. We set up a schedule to fit in with his and it seemed to be working OK. On my days off I would drive to his clinics with him and walk around town or go to the beach – swimming, especially snorkeling is very good exercise!

I was a little nervous about the idea of living with him and his girlfriend for 3 months as I didn’t know the girlfriend very well and my relationship with my Dad has been minimal and a bit difficult since the nasty divorce 10 years ago. But, I wanted to get better so thought I would survive 3 months. I thought I’d be able to kind of live my own life between treatments, politely having dinner with Dad and his girlfriend and helping out in the kitchen and the garden.

When I arrived the plane was delayed so I had to wait at the airport for 3 hours as my Dad had to go see his patients. His girlfriend was there to greet me and we had coffee and a chat. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but I could already sense that there were visions in her head of me laying in bed all day and her Florence Nightingaling about, bringing hot tea, holding my hand and whiping my forehead.

Over the next few days my Dad and I were quite happy to see each other again and spend time together. We had to go to the UK for my aunt’s funeral, which got in the way of settling into a routine. I thought my Dad wasn’t himself but it might be the tension of losing his aunt, the driving around in a new car on the wrong side of the road, worries about my treatment. Maybe this was his “new me” in his new life with his new partner? I thought his girlfriend’s behavior was also somewhat odd. Maybe she was just nervous about me being there, she never had children of her own, not used to sharing my Dad with anyone, not used to having a guest in the house for a long period of time, being from a different culture she might have different expectations? I thought I’d give it time.

After about 3 weeks her odd behavior had turned into abuse. The things she said became increasingly twisted and mean and with me being extremely sensitive to stress – one of the concussion symptoms - it didn’t take long until I had a nervous breakdown.  Luckily my Mum, sister and nephew were visiting at that time and I was able to stay in their apartment for a couple of days. In the meantime we started searching for my own place to stay.

On the advice of my Dad I talked to my family doctor about the situation. She suggested I talk to my Dad’s girlfriend alone. She thought explaining the situation from my perspective would help. I tried. We talked for 7 hours. I was exhausted. When my Dad came home she wanted to talk with the 3 of us. This talking turned into an hour rant from her side about all kinds of things; all my Dad’s shortcomings, most of all about money and “girlfriends”. I was gob smacked. It turns out these rants have been happening about once every 2 to 3 weeks for several years now.

After witnessing this explosion there was no way I could stay in the house any longer. Luckily my Dad was very upset about me being so upset and this was the final kick in the butt that he needed to see that he could not stay in this relationship. But how to get out….

He’s been renting a house for a couple of years now to store his stuff. His stuff was never allowed in his girlfriend’s house even though she promised that in the future he might be allowed one or 2 items in one of the rooms. Of course the rented house is a mess and hasn’t been cleaned or used for years so it needs some work. The few things that he did have in his girlfriends house were important – clothes, books, admin - so he needed to wait for the right moment to get them out of there. If she would see him leave, even though she told him to leave several times right in front of me, we thought she might attacked him.

Last weekend a brilliant opportunity came up and he packed his car and left. I am still surprised that he actually had the guts to do it. He had been taking her abuse for so long, no one knows or understands how or why. He probably never had the guts to leave. But this time after his own daughter was kicked out of the house and his other daughter and grandson were not allowed to even come visit him there he had had enough.

He is very upset and doesn’t really know what to do with himself. At the same time he is obviously relieved and very happy that he took this step. He has the support of some great people around him who will pull him through this. As long as he doesn’t go back…. This time I think he wont.

After he ran out of the house, leaving a goodbye note on the kitchen table, we waited and waited and waited to hear from her. Nothing happened. The only thing we got was an angry phone call saying that her landline had been disconnected.  It’s been several days now and still not much has happened. She has called some friends but has not shown up at his house yet, or at anyone else’s house looking for him. We’ll wait and see.

Looking back all the strange and aggressive behavior makes perfect sense. Even behavior that I noticed years ago suddenly makes sense. It was difficult to see because no one expected what she was really up to. If she had been more subtle it might have taken months before I had noticed what was really going on. I’m just very glad I’m out of there and even more happy that my Dad finally realized that he got himself into a lot of trouble and he had to get out.

Not exactly the nice relaxing environment that I needed to recover from a whiplash.  I’m still waiting for my own apartment, which I should have in a couple of days. Dad is still hiding and recovering from everything that he’s been trough. We’re slowly getting back to “normal”. Although neither of us knows what “normal” really is right now. We’ll give it some time.

In the meantime my treatment has been difficult. Obviously the tension had a huge effect on my body and has slowed down the progress. The people in the clinic have been extremely helpful and understanding, even offering me a bed in their homes, driving me around, helping me to find an apartment.

The psychiatrist who I didn’t think I needed at first has been a great resource to pull me through this. He’s added some muscle relaxants to the medication mix to help with the incredible tension in my neck and shoulders. I prefer not to take medication if I can avoid it but under these circumstances I thought I’d better just let it happen and let it do its job. He suggested some Valium too but so far I’ve said no to that. I think I can get through this without any further brain candy as long as I can keep going for bike rides and walks and long floats in the sea. Blog writing might also be good therapy!

Next week Colin will come to visit and I’m really looking forward to that. I’m hoping to do a lot of hiking, biking, kayaking, snorkeling, sailing, eating tapas and other nice food, introducing him to some of the great people I’ve met here, maybe going to Valencia for a day to see all the beautiful architecture by Mr. “Peace Bridge” Calatrava. It’s going to be a very nice break, which I think we both need!